It’s a jungle out here and by “here” I mean the Johannesburg party scene. Multitudes of pimply faced teenagers descend onto the city in their numbers every single year, fresh fodder for the desperate and dateless 20-something year olds hoping to ensnare the next “it girl/boy” and claim a hand in their rise to social notoriety. As if Twitter wasn’t already a crazy popularity contest reminiscent of those torturous high school days most of us would rather forget, you also have to contend with actually being liked in the real world. On top of that, you still have to sift out a potential partner amidst all the superficial madness! Like, how is that supposed to work itself out? Luckily, I’m here to make it easy for anyone trying to find a wifey out here. If you’re going to come out a winner, here’s what you need to know….

Warning: Do not read this if you believe in “giving everyone a chance” and other such hippy nonsense. We all know its wrong to stereotype and put people in boxes, but some people don’t have the time or patience to sift through every Jezebel in town, looking for redeeming wifely qualities. This is for them!

Abo wewe aka The Durban girls

This species is most commonly found at house gigs, which is their preferred habitat, doing the “vuma” which is their preferred dance move! They usually have an ageing benefactor in the background, but a real achievement in their eyes is snagging a DJ. They are usually armed with a full itinerary of their chosen prey’s weekend engagements, using tracking tools such as Twitter and Facebook. These are the some very well groomed young ladies; you will never find them with their hair, nails and faces not done. After all, they are always on their way to a party aka “music video shoot”.

The Plastics
They call themselves models (read promo girls) and are well known on the hip hop scene. They have party promoters on speed dial and Nicki Minaj’s blunt fringe is the look to have. Note: to truly be one of them, you must be able to recite the lyrics of all of Drake’s songs. Bonus points if you can even rap along to the verse.

The Good Girls
Don’t worry about them; you will never see them anywhere.

The Creatives
These are the ladies who scorn “the superficial nature of Joburg’s party elite” and they usually sport their natural hair because they “don’t subscribe to Western ideals of beauty” (or other such marijuana-induced philosophies). They are usually seen with a cigarette hanging off their lips and a permanent look of disdain on their make-up free faces (at least that’s what they want you to think!) All stars are their fashion staple, as long as they are as well-worn (read “old”) and scuffed (read “dirty”) as possible.

The Freaks
These types of girls are the most dangerous kind as they are the hardest to spot. They have no specific type of look, no particular hang out spots that they frequent, and no other distinguishing characteristics aside from their insatiable need for sex, from anyone, at any time! For those who don’t know them, their popularity doesn’t make sense. That is, until you seem to tripping over a past sexual partner of theirs at every bar of every club in GP!

So there, I know that was helpful! Next time you’re out painting the town red, before you say “she can get it”, look for these simple characteristics and at least you know what you’re working with!